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Cuddle parties? I�d rather take drugs, thank you

July 21, 2004 ~ 2:09 p.m.

Check this out, dear reader, and, just to augment your understandable sense of disbelief, this as well.

We all know New Yorkers are among the most neurotic people on the planet�witness Woody Allen, who turned neuroticism into an art form�but hell � cuddle parties? I don�t know whether to laugh uproariously or puke.

Apparently, the hectic, frenzied atmosphere of the big city leaves one feeling depressed and isolated, so 36-year-old Mr. ReiD MiHALKO, who spells his name with the capital letters and lowercase i�s on purpose and reportedly looks like a surfer-dude, has opened his plush apartment up to all of those who need intimate contact for the price of $30 per session. Participants must wear pajamas at all times and no sexual contact is allowed, though kissing, nuzzling and even spooning are permissible. How metrosexual.

�If you work in corporate America and you�re not in a relationship and don�t have kids or a pet, it�s not like you�re going home to spoon your roommate,� says MiHALKO.

Call me a skeptic�in fact, call me a big-time skeptic�but this would appear to go against the grain of human nature�at least human nature as it exists in the Western world. If we were really interested in cuddles, then what the fuck was the handshake invented for?

Just where does the impulse to cuddle come from anyway? People are seriously annoying. My therapy, when I�m feeling blue, is sitting in the easy-chair with a bottle of strong red wine and being left alone. For me, people, and people alone, are the source of any misery I�m feeling. So, somehow, the concept of spending three hours on a Sunday spooning complete strangers would not only appear perverse, but contradictory.

The reason I know about MiHALKO�s cuddle parties and the so-called �cuddlemonsters� who eagerly attend them is due to the report in the lifestyle section of today�s London Metro newspaper. London, like New York, is a big and harsh place. But would the concept take off here? One seriously wonders. The limeys aren�t exactly renowned for their affectionate ways. When you find yourself down in the dumps in London, you find yourself suffering in silence.

Indeed, I remember at one diversity training session I attended for work, the big fear was that we�d have a group hug at the end. Several of my co-workers were trembling at the thought. So was I. There was going to be mutiny on a large-scale if any touchy-feely crap occurred. Luckily for us, and the diversity trainers, it didn�t. We learned all about peace, love and government-enforced tolerance without once touching each other.

One guy, speaking on terms of anonymity, said of MiHALKO�s cuddle parties, �It�s a great drinking story, but there�s something uncomfortable about being in some guy�s apartment touching with strangers.� You don�t say!

The cuddle freaks are at liberty to do what they want. But I hope that they remember, just as the right to extend your fist ends just short of one�s face, the right to wrap your arms around someone with invisible hearts fluttering in the air around you stops just short of insanity.

Now, if you�d excuse me, work is hectic and people are getting on my nerves, and I need to drop some codeine to be able to deal with it. I�ll take codeine over cuddles anytime, thank you. It does a lot more for me than some nuzzle-head ever could.

� M.E.M.

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