Sex is like shaving
February 17, 2002 ~ 5:13 p.m.
WARNING : The following entry involves the dreaded s-word, so if you don�t care to know, then don�t read. I accept no responsibility for causing offense if you do. This public service announcement was brought to you courtesy of my own dear conscience. Thank you and have a nice day.
Alice quoteth: �Valentine's Day was good, the one day of the year when married people are pretty much guaranteed there will be sex.�
Well, believe it or not, sometimes not even then. I am not normally one to indulge the facts of my love life publicly, but suffice to say, a fly on the wall of our bedroom has not witnessed any actual intercourse for what seems like ages; suffice to say, several hundred generations of flies have come and gone since the last time I actually expressed, in true body and soul, serious passion.
It almost certainly does not stem from a lack of testosterone, I assure you. I have gained two inches of muscle to my chest in the past year and I could easily shave twice a day�if I could actually be arsed to do so, but alas I�m lazy.
Wait�that�s it. Yes, I�m lazy. Not that this old dog hasn�t got the energy�I run between twenty to thirty miles a week, for Chrissakes�but I soon grew bored with, and forgive my R-rated frankness here, the seemingly endless list of accoutrements involved in both safe and satisfying intercourse: all the stimulation and lubrication just for a little fornication? Sheesh, give me a break. Who can be bothered?
A thirty-something man who seems to take his love life for granted, you say? But, somehow, using condoms in a married relationship seems so wrong. Almost criminal, in fact. Yet, this is a fact of life we have to deal with if we wish to prevent the start of a family; and we do. And you can forget the possibility of my getting a vasectomy. I�m circumcised. One operation �down there� is quite enough, thank you. Don�t make me shudder like that again. It ain�t nice.
Lazy? Yeah, that�s me.
But what about the poor suffering wife, you implore? She�s quite relieved, thanks for asking. Due to the stark differences regarding our internal body clocks, I would always �want it� at some insane time like three or four in the morning. My requests for affection would be answered with a pillow in the face.
On V-day itself, we went into London to have dinner. We held hands across the table. There was plenty of kissing, touching and cuddling when we returned home. My wife, like most women, adores that stuff. Sex is mostly a man thing anyway.
But, boys will be boys. Laziness will always win out.
I know that I will inevitably get my love life back on track. But, hey, who am I kidding? If I can manage the simple act of picking up a razor only every two weeks, what chance does poor ol� John Thomas have of ever getting off the bench again?
� M.E.M.
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Copyright � 2001-2007 by M.E. Manning. All material is written by me, unless explicitly stated otherwise by use of footnotes or bylines. Do not copy or redistribute without my permission.
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